Today has been a bad day.

I woke up several times last night with a stomach ache and I have no idea what it was from. The first time I woke up I decided immediately I would not be waking up at 5:00 am to make it to master swim. So I turned that alarm off and set another for an hour later, or so I thought. I ended up waking up a whole 15 minutes before I had to be to work. Crap. So I jumped out of bed brushed my teeth and through together an outfit in no time.  I ended up being only 5 minutes late considering but I absolutely hate being late.

And the second I sat at my desk all the problems started. I felt uncomfortable all day, I hated my outfit. I felt like it was unflattering and was the main cause of my being uncomfortable. I keep sitting it weird positions all day trying to disguise my stomach which eventually made my back ache. My hair looked dreadful, I didn’t even have time to put a brush through it. I barely swept any makeup on my face which has been revolting against me and is severely broken out. I felt like I look like a wreak and it really took a toll on me mentally.

With all this going through my brain I could hardly concentrate on the work I should have been doing and instead got caught up on my blog reading. Once I finished reading all the posts in my reader I turned to food to distract me. Now this obviously does make sense, I felt uncomfortable because I felt fat yet food will somehow make me feel better? Well after a few granola bars, a couple cookies, and a pint of ice cream, I did not feel better. Shocking.

I started this blog a couple of months ago as a way to keep track of workouts, track weight loss, and keep myself accountable. I have failed miserably at all three. On April 13th I weighed 153.4 with hopes of being 130 by the end of June. Well, on June 1st I weighed myself hoping to make a fresh start and get back on track, I weighed 164.6, the highest I have ever weighed. I didn’t freak out –or at least I tried not to- I just made myself recommit to my efforts. My last weigh in came in at 152.4 – the first time I have come below my starting weight from April 13th. I had lost 12 pound in 16 days.  This made me the happiest girl in the world and sadly I decided to celebrate the good news with over eating, fail.

Anyways, this post is suppose to be leading to how unhealthy my relationship with food is. I have an all or nothing attitude that needs to change. My weight determines my mood. I skip outings with friends to avoid overeating and drinking. And instead end up overeating another day when I’m feeling lonely. If my pants feel tight it makes me depressed and uncomfortable, and I talk all the time about how I want to lose weight, no matter what the scales says. My lowest weight post high school (I never weighed myself until about a year after I graduated -when I first joined a gym) was 121 and even then I talked about losing more weight.


Right now my biggest goal is to try and obtain a healthy relationship with food. I want to be able to eat just one of the cookies my coworker brought to work, instead of waiting until no one is around and eating 10. I want to be able to eat healthy but not obsessively track my calories because if I eat anything over 1300 all my efforts will be ruining and I will gain weight.

I am commit to having a healthy relationship with food.